20 March 2017

Happy International Day of Happiness!

After the Grinch stole Christmas, and realized no in fact he hadn't stopped Christmas at all, his heart immediately grew three sizes. Instantaneously.

And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light,
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
And he, HE HIMSELF! The Grinch carved the roast beast!

After a lifetime of surviving a heart (or shoes) two sizes too small, just like that his heart stretched and grew and he gained the generosity and selflessness he'd been missing his whole life. 

--

I think my heart is experiencing a stretch right now, but for some reason, it's taking more than a day, and I have to say, it isn't the most comfortable situation.

The past couple months have been a whirlwind. I knew I was facing an uphill battle in reaching my goals and improving myself, but that battle has come in such different forms than I had expected.

I find myself in a constant back and forth between such overwhelming happiness and love for the people in my life, and dark, deep anxiety that affects me on a physical level, leading to dark, deep self-doubt and occasionally self-loathing. In the past month since returning from my travels at times I've felt like I'm slogging through mud toward my goals - progressing, in a way, but so slowly, and in such a winding path that sometimes I find myself quite literally moving backwards, and others I'm running in place.

This month has seen me try and fail grandly. It has seen opportunities so close I could taste them, dreams so close to being achieved, that slipped through my fingers. It has seen the death of a loved one, a death that was expected and as peaceful as death can be, but painful all the same. It has seen traveling for a funeral, doing my best to work through the complex emotions of loss, and being so ready to return to my home and work myself back into a routine of progress and productivity... only to receive the news of the unexpected, heartbreaking loss of another loved one within hours of unpacking my suitcase.

I washed my new black funeral dress, worn only once, folded it up, placed it back in my suitcase, and was on the next flight back to Utah and away from my routine. I put on that new dress for the second time.

I hope you never have to wear your funeral dress twice in ten days.

My feelings about all of this are so complex. I feel like my heart has been kneaded hard, flattened, rolled out, shaped and risen, only to somehow be flattened once more and the process begun again. 

I don't remember ever feeling so simultaneously such joy at living my life so authentically, and having the opportunity to fully explore myself, my beliefs, my desires, and my goals, while experiencing such turmoil from the outside world and my own inner demons.

It's a confusing time. I'm a confusing, conflicting beautiful mess.

I am so broken.

I am so happy.

I am rolling myself out over and over, working the dough of my heart until it's fully proofed. 

I'm putting those pieces together and breaking them apart until I find that perfect fit.

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