31 October 2012

Jeanette's 5 Tips to Becoming Less Awkward

My freshman year, I earned the reputation of being incredibly awkward. I'm honestly still a little confused (and perturbed) by this, because I really don't think I'm much more awkward than the average person, but I digress. Admittedly, awkward things to happen to me rather frequently, and maybe it's about time that I take responsibility for that instead of blaming the other parties.

An awkward photo of an awkward girl 
Naw, that's not going to happen. I blame others. I am not all that awkward, I'm just a magnet for awkward people. As such, here is a guide, from me, for people (specifically of the male variety) to become less awkward. Maybe once all these people learn their lessons I'll finally be free of this title I have earned myself as the "Awkward Smiler".

1. Don't try to kiss girls who do not want to be kissed. Granted, this is not an exact science and it can be confusing sometimes from what I've heard. But if the girl is backing away from you as you move in, please stop. If you don't stop, and then she covers her mouth with her hand, you can take this as an additional, even more neon sign that she does not want to be kissed. Therefore, when she is leaving, please do not push her up against her car and try to kiss her again.

2. While on a date, enjoying your status as a participant in an "open relationship", do not force your date to speak to your "open relationship" partner on the phone. Neither party will enjoy the exchange.

3. Please refrain from sharing very personal pieces of information about yourself within the first five minutes of knowing a person. Chances are, while they feel sympathy, they will immediately also feel uncomfortable and not entirely sure how to deal with you. Specifically, please do not unload the story (in detail) of how your relationship is so complicated and you're about to get dumped and don't know what to do. There WILL be an awkward pause.

4. Related to item #2, after unloading the story (in detail) of how your relationship is so complicated and you're about to get dumped and don't know what to do, please do not immediately hit on the person upon whom you have unloaded this story.

5. Do not offer to buy a girl you barely know a "Christmas themed bra" as a holiday gift. When she politely declines, please do not tell her you just wanted to know her bra size. (This occurred about two years ago but I'm so severely scarred by the event that I believe it is very important for this tip to be recorded. Who even knew it would be so necessary.)

I'd say that by following my five simple tips to becoming a less awkward person you'll successfully become less awkward, but the sad fact is that if you need these tips, you're a lost cause. So I'm sorry.

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